


Wild Like You

by Liekinloimu



Series: The Long Long Road [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brother Feels, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 05:24:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7964143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liekinloimu/pseuds/Liekinloimu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’ll be leaving.”</p><p>“Why? When? How? Why have you not told me?” Fili’s voice was laden with shock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wild Like You

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one shot that has been lying on my hard drive for several years. I accidentally run across it and decided I like it so why not put it up?

Cold wind was blowing in his face, making his dark hair sway as he closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in the crisply fresh air. He was standing on one of the high peaks of Ered Luinn, just below the snowline. As Kíli opened his eyes, he gazed east over the forests and open lands of Eriador, the green and brown as far as eye could see fading in the horizon. To north and south stretched the gray line of Ered Luinn, birds of prey circling some of the lower peaks.

This high peak on the mountains was his place. The place where he came for solitude and comfort when things became too much. He enjoyed feeling the wind in his hair, the solid stone under his feet, green wilderness below him. On sunny days the forest shone like an emerald, a true jewel of the north. Many of his happiest memories were linked to that forest – running wild with his brother, climbing trees and pretending to be on adventures; learning to hunt with his uncle; again running through the woods with Fíli, this time to bring home the pray. 

A tremendous love for his homeland filled Kíli’s heart. He knew he was saying goodbyes here, had been doing that for months now. Kíli sighed, taking in the gray clouds above, racing in the wind. Ten years. At first he had thought it a passing fancy, something to do with growing up. It hadn’t passed. He then thought it would diminish after a time, die for its own impossibility. But on the contrary, the feeling had grown, had encompassed his entire being to the point he felt he was living and breathing his One. His forbidden One.

A year ago he had made his decision. The pain of being so close, yet not having even the faintest hope was wearing on him. He was feeling a lot older than his years. Now, he had a month left of his apprenticeship, after that he was free to go. As free as anyone of the Durin line ever was. He snorted to himself, his breath forming steam in the cold mountain air. He was bound to have to return eventually, but maybe then time would have dulled the sharpest pain.

It was time to start making preparations. His eyes drifted towards south, towards the land of men. He had no real wish to go there, but the ache in his heart was such that staying home was impossible. There was nothing in the north and only elves to the west. Elves that had no liking nor use for his race. That left east and south. To east were the Iron Hills and other communities of dwarrows, but he wished no reminder of his One, in any memory, shape or form. That left the south and kingdoms of men where dwarves were few and far between. Hard living and scorn for his race. But it felt better than fading here, bit by bit, seeing his One eventually joined to another. Loving another. The mere thought made him clench his fist, nails biting into the hard skin. Leaving would be painful, but staying would be even more so.

Thorin would be furious when he left, but that couldn’t be helped. Mother – mother suspected. She would not stop him, just give that compassioned look she had been giving him for years. It was better than anger, but not much. He did not wish for pity or compassion. He was a dwarf, his roots in stone. Pity had no place there. Kíli defiantly raised his chin to take the wind and closed his eyes. He would endure.

“The land, it’s wild like you, brother.” Kíli froze. A hand landed on his shoulder and he could scent the familiar odor of metal and stone that spoke of Fíli. 

Mixed emotions of exhilaration and sadness swirled in his mind. That was the effect Fíli’s presence usually brought him. Kíli turned his head towards his brother, small smile on his lips. “And the stone of the mountains is firm and stable, like you.”

A humorous glint in the blue eyes. “Do you mean I’m thick as a stone? Mother sent me. Thorin arrived an hour ago.”

Damn. Thorin had been away for a few months, and Kíli had been hoping their uncle’s travels would take a couple of more months at least – enough for him to slip quietly away from Ered Luinn. He loved his uncle like a father, but there was a healthy dose of apprehension mixed with it. Thorin’s anger was not something anyone would want to be toying with. Not even his adult nephews, if it could be avoided.

Fíli hadn’t missed the stiffening of his brother at the news. His tone immediately changed from humorously affectionate to one of concern. “What is it, Kíli? Why are you not happy that uncle is home? Don’t think I have not noticed something is bothering you. Your smiles are rare these days, and you come here more often than not.”

Kíli looked at his older brother’s concerned face. He would have to break the news to Fíli sooner or later. Might as well be now, with no prying ears around.

“I’ll be leaving.”

“Leaving?” Fíli creased his eyebrows,  looking confused. 

Kíli moved his gaze back to the horizon. This was going to be a painful conversation and he didn’t want to look Fíli in the eye to see his own pain of separation mirrored there.

“Leaving Ered Luinn. Going to the south.”

“Why? When? How? Why have you not told me?” Fíli’s voice was laden with shock.

He didn’t want to lie to Fíli, but telling the truth was out of the question. Kíli had long known he would have to give some plausible reason for leaving, and had decided to go with as much truth as possible. Arranging his words carefully, he started with voice much devoid of emotion, “Ten years ago, I found and lost my One in the same day.”

Kíli could feel through the hand on his shoulder how Fíli stiffened at his confession. Before his brother had time to say anything, he continued, “Do not ask me how it happened, Fíli. And do not ask me for his name, for it is mine to hold.” The name of one’s One was, after all, extremely private until the dwarf in question decided to expose it. “Staying here, being reminded of my loss every day – I can’t bear it anymore.”

“You’ve kept this to yourself all these years? Brother, I thought we shared everything? Why didn’t you tell me?” there was both hurt and sorrow in Fíli’s voice. The cold wind whirred around them, like it too was sharing the feelings of the princes.

“Because it’s my burden to carry, not yours -- I didn’t want you to feel my pain. Never ask me to cause you pain.” He wanted Fíli to be happy, at least he could then draw some comfort from that happiness.

“So you are leaving. Can I come with you?” The resignation coating Fíli’s voice revealed he already knew the answer. 

Turning to finally look his brother in the eye, Kíli stated: “Fíli, I need to get away from here, away from all dwarves, even you.” _Especially from you Fíli, my brother, my love, my One._

“You’re turning your back on your race? On your family?” The disappointment radiating from Fíli’s blue eyes almost made Kíli to reconsider his decision. If not for the piercing pain from wanting in vain to take the handsome dwarf in front of him in his arms, he might have.

“I’m not turning my back on anyone, least of all you, brother! I just need some time and distance for my heart to heal. Now the wounds are ripped open every day. Believe me, if there was any other way I wouldn’t go, but as it is – I’m dying inside bit by bit.”

They both fell quiet, looking at each other. Screech of birds and howling of the wind the only sounds around them. Finally Fíli stepped forward and put their foreheads together pulling Kíli by the back of his neck. “I can’t…I don’t want you to leave”, he almost whispered.

Kíli closed his eyes against the pain in his brother’s voice, but his words were resolute. “I know. But you are the heir. You will stay here, you will marry a beautiful lass, you will sire a crowd of beautiful little dwarrows that look just like their father. You will carry on the line. And when I come back, because I swear I will, I’ll be climbed over by your lads and lasses calling me uncle Kíli.” His voice almost broke at the end, the picture his words painted splitting his chest. Yet he forced a small smile on his face.

“How long?”

“How long ‘till I leave? When I’ll be a fully qualified arms smith. A month or so.”

“And how long until you come back?”

“When my heart has hardened enough to beat without bleeding from the sight of Ered Luinn. I cannot make a promise for how long. I wish I could.”

Fíli pulled back. “You break my heart, brother.”

_Not the way my heart is breaking. I love you brother, so much._

“I know. I’m so sorry.”

“Never be sorry to share your burdens with me, Kíli. Never!” Fíli drew him into a fierce embrace.

Kíli clutched his hands in the back of Fíli’s tunic, and buried his face in his brother’s neck – breathing in the unique scent of Fíli. 

_I will come back, my love. Someday I will come back. And hopefully then I will be able to be the brother to you that you deserve._


End file.
